Stream of consciousness and worry

Week One of my life as a bald woman has just about ended.

I will admit that I’m not as upset about being bald as I thought. I will say that wearing a wig is uncomfortable. I am told that it is because my hair follicles are dying so they are very sensitive to touch. Adding a cranial prosthesis to my sensitive head is not a happy situation. Notice that I called it a cranial prosthesis. That is the term that insurance companies recognize. But my insurance company is giving me grief about whether they will cover mine. Oh insurance companies.

But back to my discussion of being bald. I posted a photo on Facebook of my bald head and everyone was so nice about how I looked. I’m so thankful to have good friends and acquaintances. I like the idea that I can get ready faster in the morning because I don’t need to blow-dry my hair. I don’t like the fact that I may not be as attractive to my husband.

What made this week tough was the realization that I feel out of control of my body. I feel like I can’t stop eating. I worry that it is a form of depression. I feel out of control because the top of my head is tingly. I also worry about whether I’m going to beat cancer. I heard a story today about a man who battled cancer and was cancer free for several years. But a couple days ago he went to the doctor and the doctor said it came back. I talked to a young woman in my cancer yoga class who has had brain cancer several times. And the yoga instructor has had two types of cancer. What if this is just the beginning of a life filled with chemo, radiation, surgery and failed hope?

I just can’t think about all of those worries. I want to go back to being blissfully ignorant about cancer. I want to go back to thinking that this is all going to work out and I’ll only have to go through this one time.